Friday, May 1, 2009

Brittney and Ben's "Wedding"

My best friend since first grade, Brittney Shutt, was "married" last Sunday to the love of her life, Benjamin Conine. I'm using quotes here because these to lovebirds forgot the teency tiny little minute detail of a wedding certificate. When asked what really mattered - God or the law - Brittney replied "No offense, God, but the law is a little more important." Wicked burn for the G-man. I hope He won't hold it against her and send a plague of locusts to Charlotte, North Carolina. Or the swine flu. Crap, I think I'm going to have to send Brittney's name into the news because it has just hit me that she is probably the reason for this "pandemic." I use quotes here because I'm not really sold on this new biological weapons of mass destruction. Unless it starts turning people into pigs, I'm just going to blame Al Qaida. And Brittney. And while we're on the topic of the "swine flu" - I don't understand how surgical masks are going to prevent people from getting this pig disease. Aren't they still breathing the same air? I would understand if they were wearing Apollo 11-esque astronaut helmets and had their own ventilation system, but I'm pretty sure surgical masks are only going to help you if you're performing an ACL surgery on the little piggy and don't want his blood on your face.

Back to Brittney and Ben's "wedded" bliss. It was a beautiful ceremony at Primrose Cottage in Historic Roswell, followed by a fabulous reception with some real groovy tunes. And good food. Let's be honest. I came for the food. Then we sent Ben and Brittney off to their first night as "man and wife." Personally, I was yelling "unclean! Unclean!" as they went off, unmarried, to copulate. Tsk tsk.

Well, I'm sure this isn't exactly what Brittney had in mind when she asked me to write a blog about her wedding, but I warned her that I have no soul. You would think she would have learned that after our 17 year friendship, but then again, she did forget her marriage license...

I do love you Ben and Brittney and wish you a lifetime of happiness. And cake. I love cake. I'll be there for the cake.

Monday, April 13, 2009

A Lesson for Those People Prone to Flying

It's been about forever since I lasted posted. I've just had so much to do. Okay, that's a lie. I'm just lazy as sin, but I do have some good stories from my adventures in the Motherland...

I'll start with the flight from Hell. At first, this flight across the pond looked like the greatest stroke of luck that I've ever had when it comes to flying, but I should have known better. The travel gods are no friend of mine. I had a midnight flight from ATL into Heathrow which landed around noon UK time. So I'm thinking - awesome, I won't be jet lagged. I'll take my perfect sleep combination (1 ambien and 2 glasses of wine...goodnight ATL good afternoon London) and life will be good. Not to mention that a midnight flight would be a breeze going through the 7 layers of Hell/Atlanta security. And on top of all that (gasp! could there be more) my flight was practically empty and I had no one sitting next to me when I checked in around 7 pm online.

I arrive at the airport with plenty of time to spare and feeling great about this hassle free flight. I board the plane and find a nice African man sitting next to me (i.e. 27F). He's great. Wants to talk about whether or not I like my blackberry (of course I'm hastily texting trying to decide what my next move should be). The plane is only about half full and I was one of the last people to board, so I say goodbye to the Witch Doctor and move across the middle aisle to the left side of the plane in an open 2 seater (i.e. 29B). I'm thinking 'hey....not too bad.' I spark up a conversation with Jew-fro in the middle aisle and as they're about to shut the door, Big Foot boards and needs me to move out of his seat. Crapbag. But not all hope is lost! There's still a 3 seater open in the middle of the plane (i.e. 30 C,D,E)! My lucky stars. I sit down and see there are some newspapers in the center seat and realize that someone is probably sitting somewhere in this row, but oh well, there's 3 seats. Plenty of room for me and anyone under 400 pounds. Wrong again.

The woman who had commandeered this prime seat location (let's call her Bitch Face) returned from the luxurious Coach lavatory to find little ol' me sitting in the aisle seat (30C). Shooting death rays out of her eyes she moves to her seat on the other aisle seat (30E), looking for another open row. Obviously, people move quickly on plane (I have no idea why since the seats are so spacious and recline almost fully to a bed position), and there were no seats left. She's stuck with me. I start to read my book and we take off.

Bitch Face is clearly less than happy with me for stealing her ability to lay down in three seats. No faster had we reached a cruising altitude of 30,000 feet and the pilot turned off the fasten seat belt sign than BF moved into the center seat (30D). I'm not sure if my UGA sweatshirt made me appear as Santa Clause because BF was practically sitting on my lap at this point. Well, I find this extremely funny and choose not to move just to spite her. Even my ambien and wine combination did not allow me to sleep with my new found tumor on my right arm.

For the next 9 hours, BF and I arm wrestle over the arm rest (I couldn't figure out to whom the arm rest really belonged) as she leans on me and I put my elbow into her back. I even raised the arm rest at one point to a 45 degree angle while Bitch Face was again using the lavatory, so that she could lean on that instead of my numb right arm, but she promptly put the arm rest down when she returned from dropping the Cosbys (Cosbies?) off at the pool. At one point I almost spit my gum in her hair, but I'm much too sweet for that nonsense. In retrospect, I should have said: "Listen, you two-bit hooker. You didn't pay for 3 seats, so back off." I decided against confrontation. Instead I'll just blog about it on the internet and hope that she comes across it someday and realize what a horrible person she is.

Moral of the story: Always fly business class.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I heart foreigners

So I've been going through all of my pictures from the past few years, and I've found some of my favorite pictures from times when I was abroad. Foreign people make me laugh...

Because in Rome, Italy - Orange Tic Tacs and Jagermeister go hand in hand...

And Italian Chinese people obviously think that Shrimps Cherish Nuts...who knew shrimps even had them?


Personally, if this were the poster teddy for Communism in the States, I would consider conversion.

These were wall drawings in an antique mint outside of Prague. Apparently, Paul Revere and militant chickens are very big in Czech culture.

Fish head + fish food + fish tail = whole fish

ATM in Vienna
Before taking money out... After taking money out...

Hard to see, but the Risotto was free. A Viennese delicacy.

No pigtails unless accompanied by an adult.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Doing What the Cool Kids Are Doing - 25 Random Facts...

Since everyone is doing the whole random 25 facts thing on Facebook, I decided I would just do it here...

These are random and in no numerical order of importance, etc...

1. My favorite book is Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I think it is fabulously written and I agree with Mrs. Rand's philosophical argument of objectivism. I wish that I could write in words what this books has done for me, but it would not do Ayn Rand nor the novel justice.

2. My ADD has an uncanny ability of spotting haircuts. I can even tell if someone got a hair cut when they're wearing a hat. I'm pretty sure that President Obama got a haircut a few days ago and showed it off for the first time at the televised acceptance of the nominated Head of Commerce, Judd Gregg. Unfortunately, I do not think I will ever be able to prove my theory, but I'm pretty sure I'm right.

3. I think the Shoal Creek Animal Clinic's logo is dirty. I just drove into Athens and passing by this clinic (next to 5 Star Day on the East Side), and I was reminded how sexual I think it is. To me, it looks like a cat giving it to a dog...

And yes, I did just find a picture of it on the internet to prove my point...

4. I judge you when you use improper grammar.

5. I think small people speaking a different language is funny and cute. Mainly children and not so much dwarfs. And British children count as speaking a different language.

6. I'm a Latin nerd through and through. I love pretty much everything about ancient Roman culture, and, in extension, Italy as a whole. I'm probably the worst person to ever go to a movie whose subject is based on anything ancient; I will point out the inaccuracies and I will drive you crazy. I thought Troy was the worst movie ever, and just the other day I realized that the statue of Marcus Aurelius in the movie Gladiator, is actually a status of Commodus dressed as Hercules. Again, I'm a nerd.

7. I like puns.

8. I think I'm pretty observant, and I like noticing things that I think others haven't noticed.

9. I will live in New York City someday. The cosmos is trying its hardest to make sure this doesn't happen, but it will. I promise.

10. "Seinfeld" is by far my favorite television show ever. In fact, I think Jerry Seinfeld is a God. I often wonder what I would say to him if we ever met. It would have to be something cool and witty. I haven't come up with anything yet, but I will before I move to New York and go to every Mets game hoping to "run" into him.

11. I don't have a favorite movie. Movies are my passion, so it's very hard to pick just one above the rest.

12. I know all the words to "Whoop! (There it is!)" by Tag Team and "Shoop" by Salt 'N Pepa. I think this makes me ghetto. Word to your mother.

13. I love traveling. I would do this for a living if I could. My favorite places that I've ever visited were Rome, Italy and my godparents house in France. It's boss.

14. If I had a super power it would definitely be telekinesis. I'm a lazy SOB.

15. I'm convinced I'm going to marry a British bloke.

16. The last movie I saw was Vals Im Bashir and I thought it was awesome. I highly recommend it.

17. I've added the words "domain" and "post" and "embedded image" to my daily lexicon since I'm a blogger now.

18. Cecelia's cakes in Athens are the best cakes in the world.

19. When I was little, my favorite word was "hanger." I was that cool.

20. I never liked cats until I adopted Kitty (her name is actually Millie, but she doesn't respond to anything really). She's the cutest kitty ever and I love her. My mom hates her. My dad likes her but is allergic. We never argue about her, I promise.
That's when Kitty was a baby kitten. She's bigger now. The vet told me that she was "big boned." Wicked burn for Kitty.

21. My ring tone is "Send Me On My Way" by Rusted Root.

22. I don't think a lot of people know how to use their brains anymore, think for themselves; and I think that's what's wrong with our world today, and the number one reason why we're going to fail as a civilization. Deep thought by Lauren...

23. I never really bought into the whole Astrological crap, but, now, I think I am a quintessential Sagittarius and 2009 will be my year because I was born in the year of the Ox.

24. I constantly think about names for my future children.

25. This is one of my favorite commercials. I think it's adorable...

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Unemployed And Living With My Parents

As you all know, I'm, well, as the title of this post says - unemployed and living with my parents. Well...I was watching "Seinfeld" today and the "Puffy Shirt" episode was on, and Seinfeld's opening bit was about moving home with your parents. I might go so far as to call this kismet (fate, destiny), that is if I hadn't chosen this episode specifically from my DVD collection...

There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is right on track. There's no way that you could fake this even: "Yeah, things are great. I met a terrific girl, I got a great job, making a lot of money, and if everything goes according to plan, I'm gonna be moving back in with my parents soon." It's like getting busted on a parole violation and thrown back into the slammer: "In the opinion of the board, you need further rehabilitation, I'm afraid."

Yada yada yada...

Birth Control : A daily pill smaller than a pinpoint or a laborious task comparable to synchronized swimming?

NuvaRing is a once monthly birth control, which employs the insertion of a flexible vaginal ring, unlike the atrocious, oral, once-daily, traditional Pill. This commercial equates the mundane, boring, and apparently exhausting, task of taking the Pill with synchronized swimming and contrastingly comparing NuvaRing with the liberating event of relaxing in a hot tub.

Synchronized swimming? The Pill? Hmm...

Since when did taking a daily birth control pill become a Herculean labor? I would understand if birth control pills were some elephantine, anal-insertion daily medicine, but the damn pill is approximately the size of the period at the end of this sentence.

And let's talk about these swimmers, clad in incredibly sexy swim wear from the 1930s with matching swim caps to boot! Women who wore these bathing suits at the height of its fashion lived in the time of petticoats and hoop skirts and stayed in a small dark closet once a month to avoid a visit from Aunt Flow (and Yellow Fever).

But don't worry - with NuvaRing, no more synchronized swimming with those lame yellow bathing suit girls. You can rip off the midsection of your bathing suit to resemble a 1960s bathing suit, throw off your swim cap, and relax in the hot tub because you've got something jammed up your cooter.

Oy vey. I'll stick with the Pill, thank you very much.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Things To Do Before I Die

Not quite as morbid the aforementioned subject, I've been noticing some interesting things lately that I'd like to do someday. I just wanted to give myself a deadline, hence the title.

#1 - Take a picture standing at the edge of an infinity pool. In a trailer from the Czech movie, Beauty in Trouble, the main girl is seen as walking at the edge of an infinity pool and it looks like she's walking on water. I would try the whole water to wine miracle, but I think I'll have a better chance with the pool thing...

#2 - Drive in the rain in a convertible with the top down. Sounds corny and incredibly wet, but it looked fun on One Tree Hill the other day...

And those are all the goals I have for my life. I consider myself a motivated person.

**these goals are not in numerical order...just in order as I realize them. This will be a continuous post...